thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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