She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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