she woke up with a sticky ear
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This is the high leading the old right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
