so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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