I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I skipped work to stalk him.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
