You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
