Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
