my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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