At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
