Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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