I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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