when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
