My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
