glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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