I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
