I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
