Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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