How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
