They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
