just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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