After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm too high and old for this...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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