I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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