I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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