I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
