I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
