Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
