My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
