Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
