if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
