Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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