Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
