We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
