I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
