the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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