Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
