I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
