If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
