lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
These tits shall not be calmed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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