if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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