she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
