Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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