You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
