I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
