Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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