two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
