if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
