a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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