it hurts more in the daytime
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
