Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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