the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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