I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
