I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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