i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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