I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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