we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
