I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
