girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
