dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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