This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
