I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize